Bible Thinking Woman

Unfair Expectations of Pastors’ Wives


What are some unfair expectations that are imposed on you as a pastor’s wife, was a question Thom Rainer posed to his readers. Some of the answers were shocking and quiet sad.

The pastor’s wife in many churches carries heavy burdens. Sometimes they are impossible expectations.- Thom Rainer

I couldn’t believe (but I could) the pressure that some of the pastors’ wives endure from their fellow church members. Although I haven’t personally had to deal with most of the expectations in the article, I can most identify with #10-many church members expecting the pastor’s wife to be their best friends.

We all know that it’s not possible, or reasonable for a pastor’s wife to be best friends with every woman of the church. Yet, they’re some women who feel that she should be. I’ve had a couple of accusations by ladies (former church members) of me not calling, reaching out, spending enough time with them, etc.( I hope that’s not why they left, lol). These accusations were not told to me directly, but to others in the church they were close too.

There is some truth to the accusations. I admit, I have not constantly called, pursued, or spent enough time with all the ladies that attends/attended our church. I actually have been in prayer and more intentional about reaching out more (I do it, but want to be more perfected in it).


But, I’m only one person.


I can’t be besties with all the ladies of my church. Neither can your pastor’s wife. I can be available, and I am. Available to all. I welcome phone calls, text, email, or even pull me to the side at church. I try to let my sisters in Christ at my church know that I’m available (and I think they know that, we’re really close).


However, pastor’s wives are not the only persons who need to be calling, pursuing, spending time with the ladies of the church. The ladies of the church, should be doing this toward each other. And it would be very encouraging to a pastor’s wife, if she would be called, texted, emailed, pursued, and asked to spend time with her, so she could be encouraged and uplifted as well.

Do you put your expectations of your pastor’s wife on yourself? Click To Tweet


Do you put your expectations of your pastor’s wife on yourself?

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4


We are all called to pray for, encourage, edify, carry the burdens of, and serve one another. How unifying and loving would our churches be, if it were filled with women loving on women, pastor’s wives and church member alike.


Now, back to the unfair expectations by Thom Rainer.


“So what are some of these unfair expectations? Here are the top ten expectations imposed upon these ladies.

  1. “I am expected to attend every function at the church.” One wife told us that church members resent it when she is seen doing anything outside the church.
  2. “Many church members expect me to know everything that is happening in the church.” In other words, they should know everything their pastor/husband knows.
  3. “We have several church members who feel free to complain to me about my husband.” So her church has several members who are lacking in emotional intelligence.
  4. “Church members utilize me as a de facto assistant to my husband, giving me messages for him.” One wife shared with us that she received eleven messages to give to her husband after a specific worship service.
  5. “I am still amazed how many church members expect me to function as an employee of the church.” Some are expected to lead music or play piano. Others are expected to act in a specific ministry employee role such as student or children’s director.”

Read the rest of the unfair expectations here—> 10 Unfair Expectations of Pastor’s Wives.


I would love to hear your thoughts on the article. Could you relate to any of it, did it enlighten you, convict you, encourage you? Let me know by leaving a comment in the comment section.


PS- This is the first blog of the Pastor’s Wives Perspective (PWP) series. Each blog in this series will be posted on Wednesdays, so please be watching for it in your inbox. (hopefully you’ve signed up to receive email alerts of Bible Thinking Woman’s blog post. If not please do so at

PSS- Do you have a question you’d like to ask a pastor’s wife? If so, please email, and we’ll (myself and guest pastor’s wives) will try to answer it in our next PWP post. (Questions that we deem appropriate will be selected)


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  1. Carol Jones October 13, 2017 at 3:58 pm

    I’m a Pastors wife, don’t let the women of the church stress you out. As long as my husband is okay with what I’m doing, then everyone should be as well. I love on all the women in the church. I invite all the women to the women’s ministry meetings. I don’t make difference in the women, I treat them all the same.

    • Bible Thinking Woman October 13, 2017 at 6:07 pm

      Thank you Carol for your encouragement. I have been really blessed to have loving, kind and encouraging women at our church. We truly are a family:-) Praying for other pastor’s wife who endure some of things mentioned in my blog.

  2. Carol Jones October 18, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    Hello, as we move into 2018 challenge the women to grow more spiritual. Challenge them to in brace their spiritual gifts. I’ve noticed that some women need more of a push than others. Some women like that special attention. Let us continue to hold one another up in prayer.

    • Bible Thinking Woman October 19, 2017 at 10:38 pm

      Amen and Amen.

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An interview with Revive Our Hearts Ministry. Forgiveness is freedom!