I was babysitting a four-year-old and asked her about her friends at church. She started telling me how a couple of the girls were mean to her, bossing her around and wouldn’t allow her to play with their toys. She then said that’s why she likes to play with the boys at church. She said she will only play with the boys at church now because she didn’t like the girls. She kept insisting she “didn’t like the girls”.
Sadly, as adults, women are known for not being able to get along. It’s even more sad, that Christian women are known for not getting along. Known for being malicious gossips, envious, jealous of one another. Known for always falling out and fighting. Known for preferring to be around men than women.
Just as I encouraged the little girl I was babysitting how to get along with and urging her to not give up on the girls at church, I pray that this blog will encourage and urge you to get along and build godly friendships with your sisters in Christ.
So, why do we have so many sisters in Christ not liking and loving on each other?
The reason women don't get along is due to a heart condition. It's called a sinful heart. Click To Tweet
The problem is sin. We have a heart condition.
Our hearts are wicked.
“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” Matthew 15:19-20
We’re filled with bitterness/unforgiveness/anger.
Unfortunately, many of us are allowing past hurts to affect our relationships. We have an unforgiving heart and are punishing others for the pain caused by someone else. We’re angry, bitter, and bitterness causes hatred, hatred strife (Proverbs 10:12).
“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute” Proverbs 15:18
“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man” Proverbs 22:24
We’re prideful and arrogant.
We esteem ourselves too highly. If we think we are better than, smarter than, prettier than other women, we will treat them as such. We will not respect, encourage, or build them up. We will want to be served in the friendship, not serve others.
Our lives are not controlled by the Holy Spirit, but rather by the desires of our flesh. The fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), is not produced.
We are filled with selfish-ambition, trying to outdo one another.
“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:14-16
The fear of being rejected. The fear of not being accepted. The fear of what others think of us, so we keep people at a distance to protect ourselves from being hurt. Our insecurities have created a sinful fear (fear of man, Proverbs 29:25).
Although we quote the Scripture “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made”, our actions prove we don’t believe that. We have a serious identity crisis.
Our heart is not changed.
For some of us, we dislike and/or hate other women because we still have hearts of stone. We aren’t truly saved.
“The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love”- 1 John 4:8
“If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen” 1 John 4:20
So how do we change this? How do we build godly friendships?
We pray for a new heart.
Confess our sins, repent and believe the Gospel.
“that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” Romans 10:9
“Therefore repent of this wickedness of yours, and pray the Lord that, if possible, the intention of your heart may be forgiven you” Acts 8:22
“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” Ezekiel 36:26
We examine our heart.
What is causing my friendships to fail? Why don’t I have any (or a few) godly friendships? How can I be a better friend?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts” Psalms 139:23
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me” Psalms 51:10
Ask the Lord to heal any brokenness, childhood pain, feelings of betrayal, fear of rejection, unforgiveness, etc.
“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds” Psalms 147:3
“Your testimonies also are my delight; They are my counselors” Psalms 119:24
“casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline” 2 Timothy 1:7
We obey the Word.
We seek to forgive and let go, as Christ forgave us. We release our sisters from being indebted to us. Sadly, I find that many women can’t forgive a friend for hurting us, but women quickly forgive men (who are not their husband) for abusing them, cheating on them, disrespecting them,etc. seemingly without a second thought)
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” Ephesians 4:32
We control our anger and emotions.
The Holy Spirit must lead us. We must walk in the Spirit, so we don’t carry out the desires of our flesh (Galatians 5:16,18,25).
“Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing” Psalms 37:8
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” Ephesians 4:26
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” Ephesians 4:31
We remain humble.
Do not think too highly of self. This will help us have an attitude of servanthood towards our sisters in Christ.
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” Philippians 2:3-4
“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;” Colossians 3:12
We stop being worldly.
We seek things above not things below. We pursue godly, spiritual things, which includes peace with our sisters in Christ. We love one another and prove that we are disciples of Christ.
“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21
You may be asking, how does this look in every day life? Glad you asked:-) Stay tuned for part 2, when we learn how to put this into practice.